When will I stop wasting money?

I have a serious problem with money handling. I just can’t stop spending them, especially if I’m bored. And if only I’d spend them on something I actually need, like a couple of HDD to recover data from the broken ones; or a new pair of shoes, new pants; or at least lunches, for gods’ sake. But no, I prefer to starve myself every day, to wear clothes with holes for months if not years, etc. just to save a few bucks.

And to buy what? A pony figure or a lunch box, a children’s book; a keyboard that is expensive as hell, even though I already have three, one of which is twice as expensive…

Oh, and donating and buying gifts. I’ve been paying for my credit for two years now and now owe to a bank even more than before, but I’d rather throw my money to someone else. Preferably not people I know, like my relatives or friends, but someone I barely know or even don’t know at all. Where’s the logic?

Most interesting, I actually feel better when throwing money away. For some reason I feel guilty when I spend on something needed or useful. I understand with my brain that it’s wrong, that’s irrational, but I just can’t help myself. The reason for donating and buying is simple: I’m an attention whore. I give money to someone, that someone gives some attention to me in return, everyone’s happy. It’s more difficult to justify buying useless merch. Probably because I’m an egoistic bastard that doesn’t care for other people, even for the ones I should, like my parents or friends. To lose them would be very inconvenient, so I’m trying to be in good terms with them, but the sad truth is that I don’t actually give a flying feather about them. It’s all about me and satisfying my needs. And what do I need? Like most people, happiness. Except I’m buying a cheap substitute of it to feel better, because I don’t believe I would ever be able to achieve a true one.


It turned out, that I need a full featured website much less than a simple blog. I don’t want to have a blog on Tumblr, but I do like their implementation of it, so I went with Chyrp, which is pretty close. But then Chyrp died, so I moved to Hugo. The blog is NSFW, as I might occasionally post some pr0n and other disturbing stuff.