I've been thinking recently about my position in society, specifically about the people I can call my friends. Conclusion: I am lonely, even though I technically have people to talk to.
I don't have many people in my close circles. I'll try to assess them.
ZiPo. I can't not start with him. He is a person that is the closest I have to a best friend. But our relationship lately isn't that close as it used to be.
People change. So did ZiPo. He changed a lot, especially after I introduced him to ponies. Result: we barely chat, we have second to no common interests, we see each other only a few times a year. Well, part of the latter is that it takes about two hours to get to where he lives, but still, we used to hang out much more. He was the one with whom I started drinking during our get-togethers of “ex-sanek admins”, although I decided to drink in moderation about three years ago. Another reason we don't hang out much less is his (and Marsel's) working schedule. We rarely have day-offs at the same time, and since we basically drink every time we gather, I have a rule to only gather at Friday evening or Saturday. Also, since I get really butt-hurt when I don't get to see MLP live when the new episode is airing, half a year I can only hang out until evening at Saturdays, and we usually only get up after lunch time.
Perhaps, I also changed. Or maybe not really, and that's another reason we barely hang out. People around me change and move on with their lives, while I am stuck at where I am. Seriously, I'm almost at the same place I've been when I only met ZiPo: still a courier at the same place with only basic education (and no document to prove even that), still watch cartoons and other videos in my free time, still interested in Linux, still only kinda into Pokemon and lazy about translating my episodes, still can't properly communicate with people, still no girlfriend. (I'll return to the last subject later.) I may have sharpened some of my skills, but that's it.
Buizeru. We barely talk because he's at a very tough spot in life and has been there for a while. He also lives two timezones away and has almost no time to be online. He is always happy to chat, but it might take quite a while for him to reply. Also, we don't have such a strong connection. It's just sometime in past I was very bored during my vacation and decided to spend a day with people from a different town, whom I didn't know and who were just visiting their friends. After that we kinda became friends. He and his wife Nix are lovely people, but their situation really doesn't help to develop our relationship as friends.
Jim. ZiPo introduced me to him. Our only topic is Minecraft, because that's where we met and that's what we do. Of course, we can talk about other things, but they are still entangled with Minecraft in one way or another. When I'm or he's not in the mood for Minecraft, we don't talk.
DZ-Aladan. A guy I decided to support a year ago. He said he'd gladly talk with me whenever I want, but we almost never actually did. We played a few sessions of Minecraft, and it was fun, but that's it. I still support him and I'm pretty sure he would still happily listen to me if I ever want to talk, but it doesn't help to actually start a conversation.
Well, that's it. I have other people in my contact list, but those are just useful contacts I'd like to keep just in case.
My biggest problem: I can't start a conversation. There's only one person I can send something stupid and we just start talking about nonsense and not (ZiPo), but like I said we are no longer as close as we used to be, so I just don't feel it's appropriate to send him some stupid video or link I found on the Internet. And I'm not nearly close enough to other people to do that. Also it doesn't help that my interests are VERY limited, so I can't talk to “normal” people, I just quickly get bored with them. For that reason I maintain a small circle of people I'm more or less comfortable to be around.
I just want someone to be able to talk about nonsense. To be a total goof without being judged. For example, do you know what we were talking about with my newly made friend in high school? Something like chickens in a pipette. And we could spend hours over the phone talking about everything and nothing in particular. I don't have conversations that could last hours anymore. It's too bad that my and my school friends’ path got separated over time. My new friends are not as fun to be with. And not because they are not interesting people of anything like that. It's just that I forgot how to behave around people.
Friendships in the past centuries were much closer, almost intimate (thank literature for such knowledge). People nowadays are too concerned about being judged by others, in particular they are afraid of being called gay. It used to be normal for one male to deeply care about another male, even to love him without being sexually attracted to him. Today we afraid of labels people put on us. You can hardly meet such friendship. Being friends is not what it used to be anymore. I even doubt I can call those people I enumerated earlier true friends. Mostly because I don't behave like a true friend. I behave in a way that is convenient to me. Some may call meeting two people you barely know (Buizeru and Nix) at the station even before dawn a selfless deed. For me it was something to fight boredom with. Did it affect our relationship in a positive way? Most definitely. Did I truly care for them? No, I just wanted some attention for doing something this crazy. I didn't do it because we considered each other friends. Well, at least it wasn't the main reason behind what I did. Mainly I'm a selfish bastard.
And about girlfriend topic. I feel lonely in that front too. I dated a couple of girls (yup, only a couple in my almost 25 years…), but it didn't turn out good. Mostly because the first girl was “to train myself to be with girls”, I didn't even particularly hide it. There were no feeling involved, we had nothing in common. The second one was basically what I dreamed of. And I dreamed of relationship with no hassle: no movies, no candies, no flowers… We just belonged to each other pretty soon after we met. The problem behind it: we had no foundation. We just didn't know what to do next (no, there was no sex). I didn't want to do anything about it and just wanted to enjoy her company, so she took the matter in her own hands and we parted our ways. By the way, this fact is the reason I have long hair now (and getting bald because of that…).
What I'm pointing to is the realization I came to a few hours ago. I mean, I knew it pretty well for quite some time, but it only stroke me now. The reason I don't want romantic stuff (not that I'm not romantic, though) is because I want a girl to be a friend. Yes, love and romance (and sex) are good, but I want to feel safe around her, to talk about everything and nothing, to be a goof without being judged because sometimes a just want to be a goof. All those dating shows on a TV (like “Let's get married”) are basically about a marriage of convenience (is that how it's called?). People just want to secure their mostly financial future with someone they don't want to run away from right away. I don't want to be with someone just not to be alone. I want a romantic “love till death do us part” based on very close friendship. I'm realistic enough to understand I will most likely never get that. That's the reason behind owning a dakimakura and a bunch of plushies to snuggle with. It's now like I'll be able to have such close relationship with a person.
No conclusion here, just a vent post.